Beckies Spot

Most of you have heard the country song “Sunday mornings” I am sure.  But for those of you who haven’t, it’s a song about all the things the writer loves about Sunday mornings.  It’s cute and quirky, talks about things at home, things and church and everything in between.  While I haven’t left for church yet, I can tell you that I love this Sunday morning.  I didn’t sleep for very many hours last night, but that allowed my Sunday morning to begin early…lol.  Brent and I laid in bed and watched “Facing the Giants” and then fell asleep all wrapped up in one another with Nellie at our feet.  Brent woke up around  7:30 and restarted “Facing the Giants” and I cuddled up next to him until 8, when I gave up on dozing.  Nellie was put out while I stood in the snow that was quickly falling and drank a hot cup of coffee.  I invited my mom over for a cup, and we had a few minutes of chatting.

What did I love about this particular Sunday morning?  Cuddling, having a few moments alone with Brent, having coffee with my mom, and yes, even standing in the snow.  That was a reminder to me that God is still in control.  As simple as it sounds, I was thinking about wearing flip flops to church in a protest of winter.  God reminded me, in such a simple way, that he is still in control.

I hope each of you can find something to love about this Sunday Morning.

As children, when we do something that could be taken as offensive, or we disobey, we are told to apologize.  “Say you’re sorry.”  And we say it for fear of, yet again, disobeying.  But do we know what we are saying ’sorry’ for?  Do we even know what “sorry” means?  Someone wise once told me that you can’t truly apologize for something if you are only doing it because you got caught, or because someone told you to.  He also said that if you are apologizing, you cannot be a ‘repeat’ offender.  What the heck did that mean?  You cannot apologize for something, trun around and repeat the offense and expect an apology to be accepted.  Was he right?  Yes.

When we are saying “I’m sorry,” we are saying it because we truly are regretting what we have done.  We are acknowledging what we have done, we are asking for forgiveness and we are going to do our best not to do it again.  So why do some people have such a hard time with this?  In our families, friendships, and out there in the criminal world.  You would think people would learn.

Being given the gift of forgiveness is like a get out of jail free card…..but some people just don’t care to use it.  They repeat the same transgressions over and over again, until forgiveness is no long an option.  And then they wonder why.

Perhaps gaining some accountability would allow these repeat offenders to take responsibility for themselves, and then the chain could end.

Yesterday, as we all gathered to celebrate Thanksgiving, I was nervous to say the least.  As I stated in my last posting, there would be family members together that had not shared a holiday since the late 80’s.  There were people from age 8 up to 52….and you know, it was a interesting day.  As we each told of what we are thankful for, I recognized one common factor.  Each and every person there was thankful for our family.  You, as readers, don’t know the history of my family, but it’s complicated.  There have been fights, arguments, agreements to just disagree and hurts.  All going back as far as I can remember- and I’m told that they were there well before my memory begins.

It was a wonderful sight to see everyone standing around….thankful to be together, thankful for our jobs, our health, God’s mercy and….my mom’s thankfulness.  She said “While I am not thankful for what brought us all back together (Daddy’s passing), I am thankful that we are all here.  That we are a family.”  And you know, that touched me.  She went on to say that she was also thankful that we have a God who provides a way for us to be reunited with our loved ones who have passed on…through Salvation.  Truly, she spoke from the heart.

Following a huge feast, we played games, we laughed, we had our annual food fight, and we plotted for Christmas.  I went to take a nap then, as I had surgery just two days before, and the pain was getting to me.  When I woke up, the games resumed, and a handful of us played “Uno” until nearly midnight….and continued to laugh and plot for Christmas.  When all was said and done, Brent and I had both napped, and neither of us were ready for bed…so we decided to put up the Christmas tree.  This was probably hysterical to watch…..me not being able to bend or life, and him with his back out.  None the less, a few hours later, the Christmas tree was up, and most of the house was decorated.

Now, I did not plan on having a tree up this year.  I didn’t want to ‘look at the pretty lights’ and be in the Christmas spirit.  I was willing to celebrate it for what it is- Jesus’ birth….but other than that, I didn’t want the traditional garabge that would make me think of those that aren’t here.  It’s truly not that I don’t want to tink of Daddy and Aunt Gail at all….I do.  It’s just hard enough without there being constant reminders of their favorite holiday.  So Christmas is being held at my sister’s house this year, and her tree went up last week.  I figured I didn’t need to put one up, but my family had other ideas.  If I refused to acknowledge Christmas in the traditional sense, then they were also going to refuse and take down their trees.  Sound like I got blackballed?  Yeah, sounded like it to me too.

But as I am putting up the tree last night, I realized that it was something I needed to do.  This is the first year that Brent and I are living together- without any of my family.  Just us and James.  Putting up the tree allowed Brent and I some time together that was well spent.  Going through his ornaments from when he was a child, listening to his stories from growing up.  My ornaments coming out…quite the variety.  You see, when my Papa died in 2000, we started a new tradition that year.  We started buying ornaments for each other….or making them.  The point is, when you look at the ornament you have received from me, you will know it is from me.  So, as we were going through the ornaments last night, I was telling Brent where each of mine had come from….and it was something I needed to do.

Christmas will not be all bad this year…just very different.  Christmas has been about Daddy so much…buying him all these little trinkets that we knew he would love (Tools, flashlights, the every year must have creme drops), and this year, it will be so different.  We will recreate old traditions, and we will start new ones….but I will get into that in another post.

I hope each of you had as much to be thankful for this year as I did.  I hope that you got to share that…around the table.

I’m sure most of you know the story of the ‘first Thanksgiving”, as most of the world does.  In reality, while the pilgrims and the indians shared a meal together, that wasn’t the first Thanksgiving.  It was an age old tradition to eat a meal that celebrated the bountiful harvest that preceeded the season.  It was the first recorded meal that was shared by the Plymouth Colonists and the Wampanoag Indians, it was a meal that had enormous amounts of food, and it was a meal of Thanks.  While I cannot say that I am thankful for our bountiful crop or harvest this year, there are things that I am thankful for.  Today, as my family will sit around the table, mouths watering, we will all share what we are thankful for this year.  I’m sure there will be interesting answers, as this year, it is the first Thanksgiving without Daddy.  There will be family members at my house that have not shared a holiday with us since th 80’s.  It has been a roller coaster year for my family, but there are things to be thankful for.  You get a preview of what my family will get later on.

I am Thankful that I have my family.  In the last few years, I have truly learned that there is nothing- nothing- in this world that is more important than family.  Without my family, I would be lost.

I am Thankful for my friends.  Perhaps this should be under the ‘family’ category.  You see, my friends…my real friends, they are part of my family.  They are the family you get to choose.  These are the people that have sat by my side when the going got rough.  They did not run away, they did not turn their backs.  There may have been times when they didn’t know what to do….like when Daddy died….one of my friends didn’t know what to do for me or my family, so she went to the coffee shop and ordered one of everything and brought it to the house, and you know, that was the perfect thing to do.  Another friend got on a plane and flew here just to be here if I needed him.  He had to sleep on an air mattress, and he got very little time from any of us- but he came knowing that would be the case.  These are the people that I can count on.  I am so thankful for them.

I am Thankful for my job.  I don’t always love getting up early and going into work….but I love my job.  I am thankful that they are understanding.  I am thankful that the people I work with are supporting.  I am thankful to have a paycheck.

I am Thankful for my health.  I know that this may seem cheesy to say, but I am truly thankful.  This year, I had a cancer scare, and in my mind, it was the worst kind that I could have gotten.  No one wants to have cancer, but if I could have chosen, I would not have chosen this kind.  My Doctors thought there was a good possibility that I had ovarian cancer.  They did surgery to remove anything they had to- including everything.  This was devastating to me….as I am 27 years old and want nothing more out of my life than to be a mommy.  Literally.  I was spared by the grace of God, and here I am.  For that, I am truly thankful.

I am Thankful for Brent and his family.  His family has been very supportive through everything we have been through.  They have come to us when we needed them but were to proud to ask.  They were Daddy’s friends, and while some stayed away, they came to see him just hours before he died.  They have helped with things that others would not think to do.  And his nieces- who are too young to know it yet- have kept me going.  They have brought me joy that others cannot understand.  And Brent….without him, I don’t know where I would be.  He has been my comfort, my love and my best friend.  He is my everything.

Yes, this year, I am still thankful.

Something I stumbled upon that I wrote on 7/16/05 at 3:30am…..interesting to see how angry and bitter I was then.

“In a tiny little town somewhere upstate, a little girl had her dreams, her plans were made.  She’d be married in a church, dressed all in white, walking down the aisle, at the end her groom in sight.

They’d say their vows, walk the aisle throw the bouquet high.  Then go away, only to return in a little while.  Start their family, she saw no end, there’d be no goodbye.

In a big city in the midwest a young man’s life was all planned out.  He’d worked hard for what he had, he was successful no doubt.  He’d finally see his work pay off, own the things most could only dream of.  He worked from dawn till dusk, stretching himself to the core.  He’d have everything he could want, nothing more.

But when their eyes met, there was passion to behold.  An unmistakable love, a capturing hold.  Kisses of silver, and touches of gold, amazing love, endless time.  Many moments created, just to be told.

Now perfection can only be seen for a minute short of a year.  Emotions kick in with jealousy and fear.  It’s only a matter of time until perspective again is clear, before you leave her in a solitude, crying in her wishing well.

He left he huddled in a corner of porcelain, a shell of who she was.  Broken hearted, teary eyed, you couldn’t sacrafice your pride.  You put your selfish wants before her, yet you want nothing more than to hold her, she’ll push you away, tell you to leave, but you’ll feel caught in the web you weaved.

You broke that little girl’s spirit, did you ever really care?  Her long lonely nights, at her well when she cried…anywhere that you weren’t there.”

So, thinking back to my last posting, I’ve thought a lot about a phrase that I was tempted to use over and over again in that post.  The phrase was “It’s my God given right to bear children.”  Well now, I avoided using that phrase because I know there are some people out there who would have contested that and said “If it’s your God given right, then why hasn’t God blessed you in that way?”  And I’d have to sit here dumbfounded staring at the screen.

The truth is, our whole lives, in most cases, we as women are raised to be independent enough to survive on our own if we had to, but also dependent enough to let a man take care of us- while we do the same- in outher ways- for them.  We are to be a helpmate to them.  We are to be their support, their cheerleaders, their wonderful wives and…..we bear their children.  So looking at it from the perspective of a woman, and looking at that side of infertility….what are we supposed to think when we are not able?

Something is wrong with us, we are insufficient in so many ways, and how can we expect a man to want to marry us (in some cases, stay with us) if we cannot bear their children?  God created women and men with the intention of us “going forth and multiplying.”  So, if we cannot do that, then what are we?  Please note that I am not saying these things are true, but I am representing the feelings that I have felt during my battle, and I know others have too.

Having come as far as I have with the infertility battle, and not having given up on life itself, I still find myself wondering why there are teenage girls that are allowed to bear several children before leaving the teenage years behind…..why there are people who only ever scream at their children…..why them and not me?  Oh, I know what the Bible says about questioning our creator….I do.  But it doesn’t change my wonderings.  I’m human.  And I’m a woman that seems to have an overload of emotions.  An overwhelming love contained so much so that I find it hard to love myself….because I feel so insufficient at times.  I know that if God is going to deny me the one thing I’ve truly wanted for my entire life, then He will give me something greater and more wonderful thatn i can ever imagine.  I know that I will be content with what He gives me and I will be happy to have whatever it is.  I will be like Aunt Gail was.  I will love others as though they were my own.  Perhaps I will adopt….perhaps there is a child out there without a home, a family, a mommy….perhaps it will be that child that God intends for me to love.  I don’t know…but He will make a way.

You have to wonder though….if we were created to go forth and multiply, then is it  a God given right or not?

It’s interesting what you can find on the web.

Today at work, I was researching my whole band of physicians and found an interesting topic on a side note.  It was literally a link on the side of a web page.  It looked interesting enough, so I clicked on a tagline that said “Infertility Insurance.”  Interesting enough to pass some time, so I started to read.

Did you know that multiple women have won lawsuits because either their jobs did not offer insurance that covered infertility (so they sued their employers) or because the insurance companies did not offer the employers the opportunity to purchase insurance plans with infertility coverage (so they sued the insurande companies)?  Interesting, isn’t it?  I sat their reading saying “huh” for about half an hour, and then printed the 6 pages of the article to bring home and finish reading.

Now, I know that some people out there are sitting there, saying “Are you kidding me?”  They will argue it saying that people shouldn’t be allowed to abuse the system like that….mind you, the system that we, as employees pay for.  Some of us will pay far more in to it that we will ever get out of it.  In my own battle with infertility, I have considered it to be a disability.  For men and women who suffer from infertility, they suffer physically and emotionally.  For me, I can deal with the physical pain that is caused by the complications that do not allow me to be a natural mother.  Emotionally, I am scarred, and will be for life.  Perhaps, some day, I will be blessed with children of my very own…created by God of Brent and I.  Perhaps.  But I am not sure that even that will erase the years and years of pain I have endured in my quest to be a mommy.  I have never just ‘wanted’ to be a mommy.  I have always desired to be one, from the depths of my being.  I have always, since I first knew what mommies were, felt as though it were my purpose.  Everything I have done in my life could have been done by someone else.  If I hadn’t been created, someone else could have done every little thing I have ever done.  No exceptions.  But this….this would have been my purpose.  I have faced many realities in the last few years regarding God’s decisions and timing.  But, that does not mean I have given up.  Knowing that as I am, medically speaking, I cannot conceive and carry children….it is damaging.  Physically and emotionally.

That had always been my opinion…..apparently the Supreme Court agrees with me.  In the article I was reading, it spoke of how the Supreme Court issued a ruling in 1998 (Bragdon vs Abbott) that backed the women who claimed that reproduction was a vital part of being a human.  You see, according to the ADA (American Disabilities Act), a person becomes disabled if he or she has an impairment that substancially limits one or more major life activities.  The ability to reproduce is considered a major life activity.  Therefore, the Supreme Court ruled that people (male and female alike) that experience infertility have the right to sue their employer for discrimination if the employer chooses to contract for an insurance plan that does not offer infertility assistance.  A person also has the right to sue the insurance company if they do not offer a plan that includes infertility assistance, thus disabling the employer from offering the choice.

Again I say, very interesting.

From a friend, I received this:

Billy Graham’s Prayer For Our Nation

‘Heavenly Father, we come before you today to ask your forgiveness and to seek your direction and guidance. We know Your Word says, ‘Woe to those who call evil good,’ but that is exactly what we have done. We have lost our spiritual equilibrium and reversed our values. We have exploited the poor and called it the lottery. We have rewarded laziness and called it welfare. We have killed our unborn and called it choice. We have shot abortionists and called it justifiable. We have neglected to discipline our children and called it building self esteem. We have abused power and called it politics. We have coveted our neighbor’s possessions and called it ambition. We have polluted the air with profanity and pornography and called it freedom of expression. We have ridiculed the time-honored values of our forefathers and called it enlightenment. Search us, Oh God, and know our hearts today; cleanse us from every sin and Set us free.
Amen!’

Commentator Paul Harvey aired this prayer on his radio program, ‘The Rest of the Story,’ and received a larger response to this program than any other he has ever aired. With the Lord’s help, may this prayer sweep over our nation and wholeheartedly become our desire so that we again can be called ‘One nation under God.

Now, I read and re-read that, and thought to myself “Wow.  Someone finally said it.”  I have always been the person to stand and say “That’s my right!” About various things.  I have rights as an American.  I also have privileges as an American.  But I also have a responsibility.  As an American and as a Christian.

In a country that was founded on the principles of God, there are people trying to take away the right to worship and to pray.  People who are so self convicted that they are attempting to have God stuck from every aspect of our world.  A very bitter man has petitioned and tried to remove the words “In God we trust” from money.  Money that believers and non-believers alike spend.  Money that purchased the computer, paper and ink that was used to print that petition.  Did he deface the money by crossing those words out first?  Probably not.

There are people who are so self convicted about the Pledge of Allegiance saying the words “One nation, under God” that they refuse to say the pledge, and refuse to allow their children to say it.  What, are you kidding me?

We have freedoms and rights, but more so, we have privileges and responsibilities.  We cannot change a basis for which our country was based on. (Not without a dictatorship which chooses to do so anyway).  It is our privilege to live here, not our right.  I mean look at all of the different races and nationalities that we have living here.  The United States of America has far more of a combination than any other country.  Feel free to research that.  It is a privilege, and along with any privilege comes responsibility.

It is my personal opinion that if you do not want to abide by the foundations for which this country was set upon, then get out.

When I began writing for today.com, I chose to write about “Women,” and so far, they like it.  Well, interestingly enough, I love writing this.  I’ve read a lot of blogs in the “Women” category, and everyone seems to takes it in their own manner.  I’ve read about mood swings, childbirth, shoes, relationships and PMS.  I could gladly write about most of those things- but if I did, my blog would be less than one month running.  So, I choose to take a different spin on “Women.”  I am writing, since I am a woman, from a woman’s perspective.  Please understand that I am not writing on behalf of all women, this is just one woman’s view….mine.  Therefore, everything I write can fall under this broad category of “Women.”

Now, when I started to form this blog, it was initially intended to be called “A disgrace” and would talk about the disgraces that the great state of NY brings.  What spawned this little idea?  I picked up a magazine to hand to a patient at work today, adn on the cover was a tag line about former Gov. E. Spitzer (also our Attorney General) from NY.  For those of you not from NY, he caused a lot of problems while in office, and had to step down when he was outed for being Client #9 in a suspected prostitution ring associated with the Emperor’s Club VIP.  (I didn’t like him even before that- he had all these plans that -thank God- never actually went through- things like allowing illgeal aliens to get a driver’s license, forcing the native americans to pay taxes, etc).  And on the cover of this magazine was a picture of he and his wife smiling….as though nothing ever happened.

And from a woman’s perspective, I was disgusted.

Among the many things we experience in our lives, we are blessed with the gift of friendship.  I’m not talking about people you are friendly with….people you say hi to every day at work.  I’m talking about the friendships that are made of up the people who are your family.  They’ve been in your life so long, and have been so involved in your life that they are your family.  They have held your hand through a thunder storm and not laughed at you when you were so afraid you cried- even though you were 25.  They have seen you at your best and your worst- and through those times, they have held you while you cried, laughed when you had the giggles, and listened to you talk for hours- just because they knew it would make you feel better.  They know what makes you tick- because they know your secrets, but no one else will ever know your secrets because they will never tell.  You have also done all of this for them.

The friendships that we are blessed with come with privileges and responsibilities.   It is a privilege to be trusted, but it comes with a responsibility.  A responsibility to keep secrets, to hold information in-without comment- even if it hasn’t been specified as a secret.  And when you trust someone it comes with privileges and responsibilites.  It’s a privilege to trust because, let’s be honest here, you cannot trust just anyone.  It truly is a blessing to have someone you can trust.  Truly trust.  Not everyone has that. You have a responsibility as well.  It’s a responsibility because you trust works both ways.  See where I’m going with this?

I learned a difficult lesson tonight, and while I’m not going to air someone else’s dirty laundry, I am going to say that I feel like I cannot trust this person.  I know this person so well that I knew before I even talked to them that they was going to lie to me.  This friend does not make a habit of lying to me, though it has happened before.  I always felt that our friendship had become stronger because we had gotten over it, became better people for it, and moved on.  Now, I am questioning…..did that enable this person to lie to me again and again?  Did I forgive too easily?

To trust or not to trust, that is the question.