Beckies Spot

It’s New Year’s Eve.  The last day in 2008, tomorrow commences a whole new year.  I don’t believe in resolutions, because they set you up to fail.  But keeping with my personal quote of “expectations begat let downs,” for 2009, I have set some expectations.  I will not allow myself to fail.  The very real fear of failure will motivate me.  My friends, motivation and determination go a long way.

I wanted to write about this past year.  While it hasn’t all been bad, this past year was certainly more bad than good.  To everything there is a reason and a saeason, right?  Here was my year in review.

*Attended a Toga party to ring in the new year where no one but the hosts wore togas.

*Started working in Acute Care at LSH.

*Kristin moved in.

*Went back to school.

*Zoe was born.

*Natasha was born

*Got an obscenely large hot pink Monkey for Valentine’s day.

*Scott came to NY for a visit from KC.

*Daddy passed away.

*Tom came to be with me for Daddy’s funeral.

*I came in contact with family I hadn’t seen or heard from in years.

* Kristin moved out.

*Went to watch Jan graduate from Houghton.

*Survived my first Father’s Day without Daddy.  Barely.

*Started working everywhere I could find a paying job to make ends meet.

*Went to a party at my sister M’s house that changed my life.

*Mandi passed away.

*Went to Waldameer Park.  Twice.

*I rode the X-Scream at Waldameer.  I learned that I hate it, but at least I know for sure.

*Brent and I went to KKW together for the first time. (And I never once sat on the time out stool.  )

*Had a cancer scare.

*Turned 25,26 and 27 all in September.

*Celebrated those birthdays all in the wine tent at the Festival of Grapes.

*I love you.

*Started attending CCW Church again.

* Had surgery to remove a blockage, endometriosis and masses from my girl parts.

*Brent and I moved into our own place together. Without any parents.

*I became ashamed of my country.

*Had surgery to remove my gallbladder.

*Had the first Thanksgiving without Daddy.

*Picketed the Holiday season.

*Celebrated Christmas anyway.

*Found out I am going to be an aunt. Again.

The year all together definately seems depressing.  But not everything was terrible.  I learned a lot about myself, about my family and who my friends really are.  I have began an endevour that will be an amazing success by the end of next year.  I have made plans and set expectations of myself.  And you know, I am looking so very forward to a new beginning.

May 2009 be better than 2008 was.

So a girlfriend and I went out on a date tonight. Just the two of us- to our favorite local place to eat.  See, we had a taste for wings.  We get them at a truck stop just a couple miles away.  It’s one of the very few restaurants in New York that allow smoking inside, and it’s a place that is known for it’s hot cup of coffee and great service.  Not tonight.

Our server was the only one on shift, and the place wasn’t busy at all.   Good sign for us. Or so we thought.  Apparently, she was in a bad mood.  Or maybe it was just us.  But I can tell you that this girl cannot love her job at all.  If she did, she would realize that being a waitress is all about customer service.  You make 2-3 bucks an hour and the rest is all tip based.  I know what she makes because I used to work there.  I know that pay checks usually average around 25 bucks a week.  But I’ll tell you that I never had a problem making money there.  The customers want good service.  Even if the food is bad (which it is great there), great service will prompt a customer to give a place a second try.  Perhaps she doesn’t need her job (or the money) because she obviously didn’t care about making any money tonight.

She didn’t greet us- literally walked over to the table, stuck menus in our faces and said “What do you want?”  My girl said “Pepsi.”  Our serve said “Coke” and looked at me.  I said “Coffee?” And she walked away.  When she came back 5 minutes later with our drinks, she put them on the table and walked away.  About ten minutes later, she came back and said “Are you ready to order yet?” So, we gave her our order.  She took it and walked away.  While my girl and I sat at the table and talked, the server shouted across the restaurant to someone who worked there but was off the clock and said “No she F’n won’t.”  Which is very very very unprofessional.  I don’t care what kind of job you do or where you work- but using that kind of language is unacceptable.  She also threw a creamer at the same employee from across the room, and it landed on the floor where it stayed until she stepped on it and splattered it on the floor.  Where it stayed until after we left (I’m assuming it was cleaned up after we left).  Our food came then, in which we asked for a side of ranch to go with our fries and and she rolled her eyes and started to leave when my girl asked for clean silverware- since there was food stuck to hers.  The server grabbed the silverware out of her hand and stomped away (like a child would).  When she brought clean silverware back, she threw it on the table and walked away.  About 10 minutes later, she approached the table behind me and said “Would you like more coffee babe?”  And I said yes.  :)  Now she wasn’t talking to me, but my cup was empty and had been since about 5 minutes after she took our order.  I got my cup of coffee.  She sat at a table with another customer then and talked about how she was so tired and sick of the bullsh*t.  Again…..very unprofessional- especially considering we could hear it clearly from across the restaurant.  We were not impressed.  In the mean time, we sat and picked at our food- completely appalled at her behavior.  Our drinks were gone- and for 25 minutes, we tried to subtly alert her to the fact that we were in need of more.   About an hour after our food arrived, she stopped talking to the people she works with and stopped fooling around long enough to approach the table and say “You guys gonna need boxes?”  And my girl said “Yeah, and can we get drinks?”  The boxes and the coke were brought to the table.  She went back for the coffee pot then and brought it back.  I received my cup of coffee.  In my lap.  She said “Oops, sorry.”  And walked away.  Hot coffee in my lap, on the table and on my bench seat, she walked away.  She did not return to so much as offer assistance.  She just pretended it was all okay.

I was done at that point.  I paid the bill- not one penny more than was owed for the food- and we left.  But not before stopping to talk with the manager and to tell him we would be calling the owners in the morning.

I just have to say that while I can be bitchy…..I do not mess with people who touch my food.  I am the girl that won’t even send it back if it’s wrong for fear of what they will do to my food.  I was polite and nothing less.  I was offended and will not return there if they do not rid themselves of her.  And, I will tell everyone I know about it if they do not get rid of her.   Why?  Because people go out to have a good time together.  This girl had the potential to ruin our entire evening.  I would not want to subject anyone I know to the kind of treatment I got there tonight.  We’ll see what happens.

So, the series of reasons why women cheat is over.  It was interesting to write the series.  I did actual research- some intentional and some accidentally.  I’m not talking about the kind of research where you actually step out. Oh no.  Not me.  But, on my myspace account, I listed my status as “Contemplating why women cheat but not contemplating doing it herself.”  Well, I had some interesting responses to this.

I received an email from someone I don’t even know but is on my account for gaming purposes only.  It went like this:
“Hey girl, I saw your status message, and I read your blog at today.com because you posted the link here.  When I read your blog and saw the status message, I though to myself ‘that girl is either cheating or really close to cheating!’  And I just have to say that from everything I’ve read here, I thought you had a boyfriend that you cared about.”

That was it.  So, I responded with:
“I do.  And I’m not a cheater.  I’m writing for today.com, therefore thinking about my topic.”

She responded with:
“Everyone cheats at one time or another.  For a variety of reasons.  We all get caught in those situations.  In the heat of the moment.”

So I thought for all of two seconds before I wrote back:
“I don’t allow myself to be put in situations where I may possibly contemplate thinking about cheating.  I don’t believe in intentionally setting yourself up for failure.”

And she sent back one whole line:
“Well you are better than me.”

Interesting right?  I’d like to say a couple of things about her emails.  First off, not everyone will cheat in their life time.  A lot of people will…to some degree anyway, but not everyone.  I for one have cheated.  And, it was cheating in retaliation.  He cheated on me and denied it- though I had pictures.  I was more hurt that he lied to me about it than the fact that he had done it.  So, I set the scene, took someone up on an offer that had been made long before he ever cheated and then let him catch me.  It was to hurt him, and yes, I was aware that the relationship was far beyond over.  Oh yes, there were tears- even in the very very end- just before I moved out.  I guess I kind of felt that if I let him catch me cheating on him, then when it was over- it was because I had chosen for it to be.  The truth was- he had the upper ahnd the whole way.

The second thing I want to say about her email is that there is only one way to avoid cheating at all costs.  You cannot put yourself in a position where it is even an option.  Really.  Be careful who you spend your time with.  My Dad used to tell me that you become who you hang around with.  In my experience I have found this to also be true.  If you hang out with people who have no problem cheating on their significant other, be aware of the fact that you may also fall into this trap.

So, I’ve started writing about the top ten reasons women cheat (according to an article I read online).  I feel that 9 of them relate and come down to one thing (the tenth one) which is “the relationship isn’t that serious.”  I’m going through them one at a time, and I encourage you to read the last couple of posts.

Today, we are discussing another reason that the article alleges.  According to it, women cheat because:

Whatever you can do, she can do better (as in cheating in retaliation).

This implies that if a woman is cheating, it is retaliation for her man stepping out.  I’d like to quote the article as saying “If you have cheated on us and we take you back, you better be on your toes every minute of every day! Don’t think you are in the clear just because she forgave you, you better watch how she interacts with your brother, your cousins, your best friends, co- workers, and anyone with a penis.”  Interesting.  I have to say that I agree that women will cheat for this reason.  If you hurt us in a manner of cheating….we may say we forgive you….we may let you come back.  But, finding a girl who truly means it….that’s another story.  I know women who will go for the sack and get you where it really hurts.  By stepping out on us, you are making us believe that we are, in one way or another, insufficient.  Like if we had done something right you wouldn’t have had to step out.  Now, it doesn’t really matter if you say these things or not…..all you have to do is cheat, and we feel like you have just said these things to us.  We will get you back….and when you re least expecting it.

If a woman will cheat on her man in general, I truly think it all comes down to “it’s not that serious.”  But, if a woman is cheating because the man has cheated….it is over and has been since the word go.  It takes a lot to really forgive someone.  That means trusting them from the time of the forgiveness on.  It means really not questioning where they are going, what they are doing.  It also means not throwing it back in their face later.  That is the hardest of all.  And not likely to happen.

If you are cheating on him because he cheated on you when you cheated on him to get him back for cheating on you…..throw in the towel.  It’s just not that serious.

So, I’ve started writing about the top ten reasons women cheat (according to an article I read online).  I feel that 9 of them relate and come down to one thing (the tenth one) which is “the relationship isn’t that serious.”  I’m going through them one at a time, and I encourage you to read the last couple of posts.

Today, we are discussing another reason that the article alleges.  According to it, women cheat because:

She’s not first in your life.

Well isn’t that interesting.  A woman who wants to be first in your life?  Nah.  That’s never happened before, right?  Maybe, just maybe…..that’s why she stepped out.  I realize that the concept of a woman stepping out because you don’t put her first is a hard one to grasp, but men….I have to tell you that this is true.  Really think about it, and make a list of all the components in your life.  Put them in a list, with the most important component in the spot next to number one.  Be honest, no one is seeing this list except for you.  If you put your woman in the number one spot, do an honesty check and really consider if it’s true.  If there is someone that you are going to spend the rest of your life with, they should be at the top of your list (following God of course).  This does not mean that if your buddies call and want to go out that you tell them no because she is home and will get mad.  Well, you should do that if the two of you already had plans.  But, you should consider how it makes her feel.  I love when guys use the argument “But I live with you.”  And?  Give me a good argument here.  Every rock solid relationship I know has both people working, it’s almost essential these days.  Do you work exactly the same days and hours?  I didn’t think so.  Just because you have the same address does not mean that you spend quality time together.  Consider that next time.

Who gets the first bite of dessert? Or the last?  This is like the age old story of the last piece of cake.  There are two people and once piece of cake…who gets it?  Well, you share it of course.  But give your significant other the first bite.  Even if you have been thinking about it all day……give it to them.  And when you get to the last bite, give that one to them too.  It will show them that you put them first.  It’s a silly little gesture….but try it.

Now, for the ladies reading this….I want to point out that you should not expect that every minute of every day is going to be spent with you.  Is it enough for you to simply be in the same room with them, or do you have to be sitting on their lap?  Think before you ask….because otherwise, you will run the risk of smothering him, and then I’d have to write the top 10 reasons why men cheat.

In all seriousness though,if you are not focused on one another and putting each other first, do you really have intentions of ’til death do we part?’  If you put each other first and always want whats best for the other one, what will make them happy, then it will show that you are serious….if not, then I think you know where I am going with this.

Someone once told me that if I am always focused on making him happy and he is always focused on making me happy then we will always both be happy.  What a concept.

Now that Christmas is behind us by almost 24 hours, I’m going back to writing about why women cheat  (according to an article I read online).

I feel that 9 of them relate and come down to one thing (the tenth one) which is “the relationship isn’t that serious.”  I’m going through them one at a time, and I encourage you to read the last couple of posts.

Today, we are discussing another reason that the article alleges.  According to it, women cheat because:

The relationship has gone physical in a bad way (as in abusive).

I have touched on this subject before and feel that I said most of what I needed to then.  But, to tie this all in together, let me say this:  Any kind of physical contact that is not safe, sane and consensual is wrong.  When a person physically hurts another person it is abuse.  If it is ongoing abuse…meaning it happens often, then perhaps the woman in the relationship is going to “stick it out.”  But like the article says “You can beat us to the ground and we will pick ourselves up because even though we love you and you hurt us in anyway, there is always another guy waiting to save that damsel in distress.”  We will find someone who will treat us like the princesses we are.  Perhaps the woman being knocked around will come back after straying….perhaps.  This is most likely because the abuse started with mental control, moved on to emotional and verbal abuse and then finally landed on the physical abuse turnpike.  Long before the man ever struck her phsyically, she was most likely brow-beaten into thinking she deserved whatever she got.

I have to say that if a woman strays because the relationship has gotten physical in a bad way, it is because the relationship isn’t that serious.  If it was, the man would truly care for her and would not ever hit her.  I know this much- hind sight is truly 20-20.  Looking back, when I was smacked around, it was because he didn’t care.  He wanted to hurt me for whatever reason.  If he had been serious about me, us, our relationship…..he never would have done it.

Christmas Day.  The day that folks shop for all year.  The day we plan for, make many arrangements for and the say that usually passes too quickly.  There is always a mystery that is portrayed as anticipation.  You’ve spent a lot of time choosing just the right gifts for your loved ones…..with they love it?  Will it be their favorite?  On the flip side of that, the recipients wonder things like “What is it?”  “Where did it come from?”  And yes…even “How much did they spend on me?”  It’s a wonderful thing…this mystery.

I am big on personalizing each gift that I give away.  I hate generic gifts…..gifts that can go to just anyone.  Last year, some very important people in my spent quite a bit of money on me…..but that didn’t mean a thing to me.  The gifts were all gifts that could have been given to jsut about any other female in the world.  I would hate to do that to someone because it felt like these people didn’t care about me.  I remember making the comment that if they had gone to a dollar store and bought me a keychain that says “I’m crabby” I would have felt like it was personalized.  Because I am crabby….and I would have felt like they thought about me then.

So where am I going with this and how does it all tie in together?  I truly have a Christmas mystery on my hands this year.  Last night, while I was out….someone stopped by my house with a gift for me.  A personalized gift.  I wasn’t home, and when this person knocked on the door, James told them I wasn’t here and they asked him to give me the bag and to wish me a Merry Christmas for them.  When I got home, I was suprised to see this gift.  In the gift bag was a can of Tim Horton’s Coffee and a can of Tim Horton’s Hot Chocolate.  The main ingredients to my signature drink from Tim Horton’s.  No card, no tag, no hints.  Nothing.  I spoke to most of the people I know in the area today, and no one knows who dropped it off.  The description of the person who brought it and the person she had with her don’t match those of any combination of people that I can place.

I truly have no idea who dropped this gift off at my house for me.  No idea who knows me so well. But I am blessed.  Someone that I am unaware of has given me a personalized gift.  I have been made to feel special.

I worked a lot of the day away trying to figure this out, but have not been able to.  So, I am just going to accept it and say “thank you.”  Perhaps this person reads my blog here, or is a friend on Myspace or Facebook….I hope they see that I am thankful.

To whomever it was…thank you for thinking of me.  Thank you for such a personal gift.  And thank you for making me feel special.

To each of my readers, I truly hope you had a wonderful Christmas.  More importantly, I truly hope you each remembered the story of Christ’s birth and acknowledged that it is what we were celebrating.

Greetings to all.  With tonight being Christmas Eve, I thought I’d post another little story for your viewing.  It really put some things in perspective for me last year when I read it- thus being why I made it a priority to keep it all year long.

Twas the Night Before Christmas and all through the town,
Not a sign of Baby Jesus was anywhere to be found.
The people were all busy with Christmas time chores
Like decorating and baking and shopping in stores.

No one sang “Away in a manger, no crib for a bed”
Instead they sang of Santa dressed up in bright red.
Mama watched Martha Stewart, Papa drank beer from a tap,
As hour upon hour, the presents they’d wrap.

When what from the TV did they suddenly hear?
‘Cept an ad which told of a big sale at Sears.
So away to the mall they all flew like a flash,
Buying things on credit, and others with cash!

And as they made their way home from a trip to the mall,
Did they think about Jesus?  Oh no, not at all.
Their lives were so busy with their Christmas time things.
No time to remember Christ Jesus the King.

There were presents to wrap and cookies to bake,
How could they stop and remember who died for their sake?
To pray to the Savior, they had not time to stop.
Because they needed more time to shop till they dropped!

On Walmart, on K Mart, On Target, on Penny’s!
On Hallmark, on Zales, a quick lunch to Denny’s!
From the big stores down town to the stores at the mall.
They would dash away, dash away, and visit them all!

And up on the roof, there arose such a clatter,
as Grandpa hung icicle lights up on his brand new step ladder!
He hung lights that would flash, he hung lights that would twirl.
They never once prayed to Jesus, light of the world.

Christ’s eyes how they twinkle, Christ’s Spirit how merry!
Christ’s love how enormous, all our burdens He’ll carry!

So instead of being busy, overworked an uptight,
Let’s put Christ back in CHRISTmas and enjoy some good nights!

May you have a wonderful Christmas Eve with your family, in church or simply sitting by the fire.  God bless you all.

In the spirit of Christmas, I’ve decided to stop posting the cheating thing for a few days and post something totally different instead.  I didn’t write it, but I believe it.

“Twas the night Jesus came, and all through the house,
not a person was praying, not one in the house.
The Bible was left of the shelf without care,
for no one thought Jesus would come there.

The children were dressing to crawl into bed,
not once ever kneeling, or bowing their head.
And mom in the rocking chair, with babe on her lap,
was watching the late show as I took a nap.

When out of the eats there arose such a clatter,
I sprang to my feet to see what was the matter!
Away to the window I flew like a flash,
Tore open the shutters and lifted the sash,

When what to my wondering eyes should appear,
but angels proclaiming that Jesus was here.
The light of His face made me cover my head,
it was Jesus returning, just like He’d said.

And thought I possess wordly wisdom and wealth,
I cried when I saw him, in spite of myself.
In the book of Life, which he held in His hand,
was written the name, of every saved man.

He spoke not a word as He searched for my name,
when He said “it’s not here” my head hung in shame.
The people whose names had been written with love,
He gathered to take to His father above.

With those who were ready, he rose without sound,
While all of the others were left standing around.
I feel to my knees, but it was too late,
I’d waited to long and thus sealed my fate.

I stood and I cried as they rose out of sight,
Oh, if only I’d kown that this was the night.
In the words of this poem, the meaning is clear,
the coming of Jesus is now drawing near.

There’s only one life and when comes the last call,
we’ll find out the Bible was true after all.

So, I’ve started writing about the top ten reasons women cheat (according to an article I read online).  I feel that 9 of them relate and come down to one thing (the tenth one) which is “the relationship isn’t that serious.”  I’m going through them one at a time, and I encourage you to read the last couple of posts.

Today, we are discussing another reason that the article alleges.  According to it, women cheat because:

Thing are not as romantic as they once were.

I can’t speak for all women, but I know a lot of women who are true romantics.  We love to romance and be romanced.  I don’t want to confuse romance and sex here….read the last post if you are having trouble with getting what you want in the bedroom.  Romance….as in an every day sort of romance.  Yes, sexual acts and thing of that nature can be very romantic.  But for the couple that has been together long enough that there are no longer rose petals on the bedspread and candle light each night of the week…..perhaps it’s time to start thinking about the little things that are romantic.  Now, I went to dictionary.com and looked up the word romance….in which there was an overwhelming amount of definitions depending on what context you were looking for.  The one in which I was looking for was  “a spirit of sentiment, emotion or desire.”  That about sums it up for me.

Now, if you are looking to rekindle the kind of romance with the rose petals, candles and misc items from your fridge, then I suggest you remind him of what a great time that was.  “Baby, remember when we used to get all dressed up just to undress each other?  Oh, the candles, the chocolates….the roses….Oh I loved that so much.”  He’ll get it.  But….if you are in the mind frame of thinking that there just isn’t any romance in your life…..you could be wrong.  I find it romantic and wonderful when Brent does the little things for me.  I live in WNY and it’s winter….we get a ton of snow.  When I get up in the morning and my car is already cleared off…..that is romantic.  Why?  Because he thought of me and knew it would start my day off just a little bit better.  when he comes home from work with a couple of hershey kisses and leaves them for me, that is romantic.  When I am doing the dishes or folding the laundry, and he walks up behind me and kisses my shoulders, that is romantic.  I don’t want him to spend a lot of money on me- a few moments of his time…dedicated just to me….that is more romantic than getting a big fat rhinestone ring.  But that’s just me.

I want to stress here that if there are no little givings (like him doing something that let’s you know he was thinking of you, or you doing the same for him), and there isn’t any passion…..then perhaps it’s because at least one of you has given up….you aren’t fighting for it- it may be because your relationship just isn’t that serious.