Beckies Spot

I have a girlfriend who reads my blog, and she asked me to write about what to do in between boyfriends.  How to deal with a break up and how to move on in life.

I can only write what I know.  And the truth is, there has been very little time in my adult life where I haven’t been in a committed relationship.  I have been in a few long term relationships (two of three which turned into marriages).   I could sit here and type about how you could go with the old saying “To get over one guy, you have to get under another.”  But I am not a firm believer in that, and I would not solicit whoring ones self out just to feel better about a break up.  I could type about using the time to find out who you really are and what you are really looking for in life before trying to figure out what kind of guy you want to be with.  While I do support that, I’m not going to go into detail about it right now.

I’d like to take a different approach on it, and give you a little bit of humor.  Breakups usually aren’t easy, so you may be hurting over one- even if it was long ago.  I’m going to relate some things that men have done to my friends and I that have either helped us get over him quicker or has gotten us back together.

For one of my friends, she told her boyfriend that she was sick of him being a mooch- playing video games while she was at work, not doing anything to help around the house and things of that nature.  She told him they needed to take a break (the dating kind).  He left.  For  6 whole hours.  When he returned, he brought her a deep fryer.  That his mom had bought him for Christmas.  Saying he wanted his baby to have the best.  Now, she was so stunned at this that she said nothing.  He, however, took her silence as a form of acceptance, and was back.  While it was his attempt to bring the relationship back together, it is just a bit of comic relief for her now.  The relationship is over and he is with a girl he was cheating on my friend with.  Oh well yay.  She, however, kept the deep fryer and lves to look at it and think about what an idiot her boyfriend was.

I had my own personal experience where my partner wanted to break up, and I was not willing to do this.  You see, we were married….a marriage that he rushed because he didn’t want to ‘live in sin with me.”  So we got married months before we had planned on.  Two months after our marriage, he stood on the patio telling me he was gay.  I was his cover.  I do not believe in divorce, but if you know me, you know that statement is kind of ironic.  I did not want to let him go.  After a near suicide attempt, I became determined to make it work.  He, on the other hand, was determined to get out quick.  So, he brought his boyfriend home and let me catch him.  That did the trick.  Now, I know what the Bible says about revenge being the Lord’s, but I didn’t think God would mind if I got just a little.  So, months later, when he thought it was all over, I sent pictures of him and another man to his fire and brimstone parents.  Blurred out the other guy’s face and sent pictures that let the viewer with no doubts about what was going on.  His parents sent their near 30 year old son off to an anti gay retreat.  :)  The ironic part is that a few years later, his boy friend (the same that he was cheating on me with) left him.  For a woman from what I hear.

Then there was the friend that was living with her boyfriend and had been with him for over two years.  She announces one day that she if terrified of how serious things have gotten and she thinks she needs some time to think.  She tells him that she is going to live on campus for the next semester just to give them a little space…..they’ll still be together.  His argument?  “But who is going to cook for me and do my laundry?” Now honestly, I don’t know how she turned that argument down.  What, are you kidding me??????  Enough said on that one. (PS- she did not fall for it)

I guess the point of this is so that those of you who are going through break ups know that you are not alone.  I’m not about to go on a tyrant about how men are scum- that would be all together too easy at the moment.  But I will say that we all have at least on relationship in our lives where the breakup really hurts us more than it hurts them.  Our emotions are different and we see things in a different light.  It’s a woman thing.

I could write about revenge for a few more days….or I could move on.  I’m basically moving on.  Before I do, I want to say just this:

All women have the potential to be backstabbers.  We cannot control what other people do and how others affect us- we can only control our reaction.

I chose, this week, to react in a way that sought out revenge.  Maybe it was wrong, maybe not.  But it sure felt good for me.  But I’m letting it go and moving forward.  What do you want me to write about next?

I laid awake last night, and I thought about the fact that I got backstabbed and that I was hurt so badly by it.  I tried to sleep, but that is all I thought about.

Today, I am still mad.  Well, to be clear, mad at one, hurt by another.  I’m drinking some wild cherry wine…..thinking some more on this.  And I’ll get over it….I always do.  But not before I get even.  That is also something I always do.

Is it wrong to want to tarnish someone who has dragged me through the mud?  Is it wrong to want to smile while I do it?  I know, I know….’be the bigger person.’  Nope.  I wanna be tiny for a change.  And bite some ankles. 

Okay ladies…while this can apply to all genders, I am writing to you.

I don’t have an overabundance of female friends because we are backstabbers and bitches.  It’s been awhile since I felt the rage I am feeling tonight.  Toward one of my ladies.  :)  Here we go.

I understand that when you are in a relationship with someon, it is natural to ‘take their side.’  But….I would think it is also natural to listen to everyone involved before opinions are formed.  Apparently, this is not the case.  A ‘friend’ of mine has backstabbed me….by saying things that are not true.  And, they said these things to another of my ‘friends’ who she happens to be in a relationship with.  Out of nowhere, judgements have been formed, and I am a bitch.

Let me be the first to say that I am a bitch.  We all have it in us….I have a lot of it in me.  :)  But I am a good person.  And I don’t make it a habit of taking advantage of my friends and their kindness.  For someone to say otherwise, they really don’t know me and should plan to be discontinued from my life.  Immediately.  If this is you and you are reading this, watch for upcoming changes.  Subtle ones, but you’ll know.

And PS- don’t ever think that the truth doesn’t get back to me.  Ever.  Because it does.  And, this is no threat, but a promise, I just became your worst nightmare.

Have a good night.

I wrote last night about the excitement of making my kitchen over, and making it mine.  And I am excited about it.  But tonight, as I stood in the kitchen, looking at the walls, having finally decided on the shade of red……I was trying to picture it.  And you know, my heart gave- just a little bit…..when I realized that I am, yet again, removing a little part of Daddy.  He and mom lived here until he died.  Then my brother and mom lived here for a bit- and now Brent, James and I are here.  Nothing is the same really.  Mom and I redid the bathroom shortly after Daddy died- that was her project that I helped with.  The living room looks very different….the dining room doesn’t look at all like it did….the whole upstairs…..what’s really left is the kitchen.  And now I’m doing that over too.

It was to be done because I wanted to really make it mine.  But in doing that, I’m wiping away a lot.  I remember when my mom painted that kitchen, and how Daddy loved the blue.  It was obnoxiously bright to the rest of us- but since his vision was a little it less than perfect, it was just right for him.  Ad I’m taking that away.  I’m making it mine.  I’ll find some way to tie it in.

But in all this, I took a moment to acknowledge that I miss him.  A lot.  Hard to believe that in 2 months and 3 weeks, it will be  a year.  It feels like this morning.

What am I talking about?  My house.  Three people live here, though I own it.  Myself, Brent (whom I am in a relationship with) and our friend James.  We all live here, and you can tell that it’s a combo of the three of us here.  I like that.  In our dining room, we have a candle table that is nicely done, and there are pictures of all of us on it.  It’s nice.

But I really wanted to personalize the room where I spend most of my time…..the kitchen.  I talked to the guys and they don’t care.  In truth, I think that they don’t mind because if I like it, I’ll spend even more time there- thus, they benefit from it.  So, the process started awhile back with a vision of a kithen with white walls, red cupboard doors, and black and white floor, and mainly black accents.  Maybe a 50ish look to it.  Anything come to mind?  Betty Boop!  She’s my hereo.  I have a ton of collectibles and nowhere to really put them (since I am not sure Brent would love it in our bedroom).

My vision is turning into a reality.  The floor tiles are here, the paint has been priced, and we are down to 2 shades of red- and there are samples hanging on the wall.  I’m excited to make it mine.

I get to do whatever I want in my kitchen, and it just turns out that it’s going to be cute as heck.  This is my project to be completely done by spring- floor, walls and everything inbewteen.  That way when Spring comes aorund, I can move to the outside.  (Where I already have a list of things to do to make it mine.  )

I encourage you to find something to make yours this winter.  Changing curtains and other accents in a room can completely change the look of any room.  Get a project and make something yours!

In my family, we have always had this saying that was said whenever someone was going shopping….it is “Bring me something good!”  And usually, when this is said, someone gets a little present.  Something simple- maybe their favorite candy bar, something quirky, or something that made the shopper think of them.  It’s just something we’ve always done.

Yesterday, Brent and I got the chance to go grocery shopping together.  This is a big deal, because it’s our alone time.  We take what we can get, and usually have great conversation while doing it.  We were walking around getting the things we need, and he says “Anything else?”  And I told him we would need toilet paper within the next week or so.  Before you know it, we are standing before the great wall of toilet paper.  He tells me he doesn’t want to get the brand we’ve been getting because it always seems to be gone as soon as the roll is started.  Okay, I get that.  Then he says “So what kind do you want?”  I tell him it really doesn’t matter….he says it does.  Why?  He then proceeds to go into this whole conversation about how I use it more and need it to be comfortable for me…that it doesn’t really matter for he and our housemate.  I, after all, have the sensitive tush.  Thanks, right?

So we’re leaving the store, and I say “But where’s my present?”  He says “I got you extra soft toilet paper babe.”  Right.

So, my “something good” was toilet paper.  Maybe some of you would be mad….but this was my present.  He thought of me.  And my butt.

As the last few days have come and gone, and I have really taken the time to read and re-read what people have said about blogs I have written, it has really prompted me in my own decision making.  I am finding myself coming up to a cross road, and I have been very set in my ways about what to do- even though it wasn’t the right decision according to society, church or the Bible.  I felt it was the right decision for me.

Going over all of the options I have has led me in a different way.  To a different mind set….and to choosing a different option- one that before was never even on the option list.

If nothing else came of my posting- I made a decision.  A decision that will affect the rest of my life- and decision that I will live with- a decision that I first have to embrace.

Hopefully….more decisions will be made- and you know what they say- it is a woman’s perogative to change her mind. 

Out of the dozen comments I received off of my last post (See: Deciding on your future), only one was posted.  Why?  Because some people sent the comments asking me not to post them, but they wanted feedback.  A couple others were just downright inappropriate.

I suppose I need to clarify something.  When I wrote what I wrote, it was because I was questioning my own situation and the situation of another couple was very heavily on my mind.  Friday morning, I drove a very scared bride-to-be around in my car, trying to be a support to her while she tried to decide if she should call off her wedding or not.  The wedding which, by the way, was Saturday.  In my effort to help her, I shared my experiences with her.  I don’t know everything, and I’ll be honest enough to say that I do not know what makes a marriage work from my own experiences.  But I do know what will make one fail.  And I know that because of my own experiences.

Before I launch into my oinion on successful marriages and relationships here, I want to clarify things for the people I apparently offended.  When I said “If you choose to date a man in the military, you fall in love, you say yes and you follow through- you will be a military wife.  You will spend a lot of time without him up front and personal.  But you will have a pride only military wives can have.”  It apparently offended some people.  I got a comment that said “I am 18 years old and was married to a military man just 2 months ago, and 2 weeks later, he left for Iraq.  Are you implying that he will not be involved in the lives of our children? (I am carrying the first child now).”  No, I am not saying that he will not be involved.  I am saying that he will not be there for every single ‘first’ that your  child has.  He may talk to you daily, he may email, and you may use two-way webcams, but he cannot possibly be there, at home, for everything.  He has a duty to our country that he chose.  I am assuming that you knew he would be deployed when you chose to marry him.  And again, it is a consequence.  A natural one that is not meant to be taken in a negative manner.

To the person who commented “I enjoy reading your blog and I don’t want this posted publicly because my husband occasionally reads it too.  But I do want to know….what did you mean by “It hasn’t stopped” ?  I mean, every decision I make isn’t going to affect the outcome of my life, will it?”  Now, let me say that I removed a very specific part of that comment that would have identified the reader and I didn’t post it anyway because her name was attached.  In response to her comment though, I want to clarify….no, decision making doesn’t stop.  We make decisions every minute of our lives.  Simple decisions that can impact our lives for years to come.  Let’s take a really simple change and say that you are flipping channels and choose to watch a talk show that has a topic that you may not think applies to you.  Maybe you are watching it solely for the entertainment.  What is years down the road, you are at a point in your life where something said on that show comes back to you and you are able to use it?  I remember being 16 years old and having stayed home from school ’sick.’  I wasn’t really ill, but I was weak.  Weak from not eating.  I was dealing with an eating disorder that kind of hopped around. At first, I would binge- literally not eat for days and days and then eat until I got sick.  And when that didn’t work out since I got so weak that I couldn’t focus or function, I started eating but throwing up after eating anything.  Eventually, I was binging and purging, taking laxatives to get rid of whatever my body had retained and was taking diet pills on top of it.  I was sick from it- both physically and mentally.  I turned on the TV and watched what was on.  I didn’t want to stand at the TV and change the channels and remote controls were few and far between.  What was on at that time was the Montel Williams show.  That day the show was called “Dying to live.”  It was about young women who were literally skin and bones and dying from their choice to not eat.  They were at the point that they literally could not eat.  There was a woman who was in her early 30’s that spoke to the girls on the show from a hospital roomd where she had a mediport in her chest and a Peg Tube in her belly to force nutrition into her.  She was literally dying.  And she chose to do that to herself in her younger years.  She had done it for so long that she couldn’t reverse it.  That day, I made a choice to live.  Yes, it meant taking the risk of being the fat kid again.  Yes, it meant not ebing as thin as I would have liked.  But, it meant living.  I made that choice based off of a television show!  A simple choice of what to watch changed my life.

I am sorry that I offended people.  I will not post the comment that was left in response to the part that said “If you choose to date a man that lives in another state….you will more than likely spend more time missing him that you will with him.  You will always wonder if he is being faithful to you- and he will wonder the same.  Eventually, one of you will have to move to be with each other, and then….what if it doesn’t work out?” One comment left about this part was inappropriate as it straight up said that all men are cheaters, especially those that  live far away.  It had several profanities in it and  congratulated me on telling it like it is.  I did not say that all men are cheaters, nor did I say or even imply that it especially applied to people who live distances from one another.  It is my hope that others did not take it that way, and if you did, I am sorry.

The second comment about that part was directly in reference to the end portion where I said ” Eventually, one of you will have to move to be with each other, and then….what if it doesn’t work out?”  The comment was along the lines of “Not every relationship fails.  Just because you have had bad luck doesn’t mean we all will.”  Cute.  I didn’t say that they will fail.  I was talking about the insecurities that we have.  And by the way, I have had an experience that was complicated due to a long distance relationship.  I had a friend who lived out in the midwest, and had come here to see my family and I, bringing along one of his friends.  After that visit, we decided to become exclusive and to date.  After a few months, I decided to move out to Missouri to be with him.  He still lived at his parent’s house and they were generous enough to say that I could also live there until I had gotten on my feet.  A trip was planned for January, where my sister and I would drive down there and take some of my stuff.  See the area- since I had never been there, and look for a job.  2 days before I was leaving to go for that visit, my boyfriend called to tell me that he had cheated on me.  He hadn’t slept with her- as he was waiting for marriage, but he had been phsyically involved with her.  We thought it best to break up.  What was I supposed to do?  I had given notice at my job, had gotten rid of my vehicle and had packed all of my stuff.  This trip was just 3 weeks before I was moving out there….and I was at a loss.  Well, 2 days later, we woke up early, packed up and left for the midwest.  Yes, It was a little awkward….I won’t deny that.  But, I’m so glad I didn’t just wash my hands of the whole situation.  I spent the time I was there meeting his friends in person (most of who I had talked to several times on the phone), praying about what to do, hanging out with my sister and yes, crying.  But I chose to move.  It was a hard decision to make, but I went anyway.  And you know, it worked out.  No, he and I did not get back together- or ever even go on another date.  Yes, I stayed at his parents place until I got on my feet.  And yes, we are still great friends.  He married a friend of ours 2 1/2 years ago, and I stood up in the wedding.  They are expecting their first baby.  I lived in the midwest for a few years nad then came home to be with my family- and again- another decision that I do not- for one second-regret.

I wasn’t saying or implying that all long distance relationships end badly.  I wasn’t saying that moving to be with one another is setting yourself up for failure.  I was saying…..what if it does?  In reference to the fact that it is your choice to make that decision.  Truly, I meant only to propse the idea of “what if?”

I want to stress that each situation is very different from the next.  You know what is best for you.  No one else knows you like you.  You know where your relationship is, and to what level is goes.  I can’t tell you what to do, and it certainly is not my intent to sway your decisions.  Remember, this blog is formed on my opinions.

My point was “Your life is what you make it.”  Maybe I should have posted that and only that.

As a woman, we have a lot of decisions to make.  Throughout our lives we battle with the decision of who to have friendships with and who to leave behind.  We wait with baited breath on what our future will behold.  When we will get married?  Who will fall in love with us?  Who will we fall in love with?

So far ladies, it hasn’t changed.  It hasn’t stopped.  There are decisions that we are required to make in our lives that will contribute to the paths we will take.  Example?  You choose to go to college across the country because of its excellent academic program.  Perhaps your plan is just to go to school there and then move back home- ar atleast closer to where home was, and work.  But….it can change your path for you- because of where it is located.  Think about the fact that you are now located on the other side of the world and  the change of scenery has captured your heart.  Perhaps you have decided to stay- because after 4 years, you know the area and love the weather.  Your choice has helped to curve your plan and your path.

Now, focusing on marriage.  You choose to date a guy.  You end up falling in love with him.  You chose to date him, but did not choose to fall in love with him.  (I do not believe you can choose to fall in love).  Now you have to decide what to do.  Will you say yes if he asks you to marry him?  Will you say you are not ready?  It is your choice.  But your choice will have consequences either way.  When I say consequences, I am not using the word in a negative manner.  Each decision you make has natural consequences.  In this case, if you choose to say yes, the natural consequence is that you will be married (unless you change your mind later).  If you chose to say no you will a) hurt him b) more than likely not be asked again.  Natural consequences.

If you choose to date a man in the military, you fall in love, you say yes and you follow through- you will be a military wife.  You will spend a lot of time without him up front and personal.  But you will have a pride only military wives can have.  If you choose to date a man that lives in another stae….you will more than likely spend more time missing him that you will with him.  You will always wonder if he is being faithful to you- and he will wonder the same.  Eventually, one of you will have to move to be with each other, and then….what if it doesn’t work out?

All questions that you have to ask yourself.  Due to some recent events in the lives of those around me, I’ve been thinking about this.  And now I remember why I don’t want to get married again.  Why I wouldn’t want to have to start all over again.  I’m in a relationship that I have been in for nearly 3 years.  We have been through good, bad and downright ugly.   But neitherof us has run yet.  We are still hanging in there.  What if I don’t want to advance?  Not get married…..but not break up either.  Is that allowed?  What are the consequences of choosing that path?