Beckies Spot

Out of the dozen comments I received off of my last post (See: Deciding on your future), only one was posted.  Why?  Because some people sent the comments asking me not to post them, but they wanted feedback.  A couple others were just downright inappropriate.

I suppose I need to clarify something.  When I wrote what I wrote, it was because I was questioning my own situation and the situation of another couple was very heavily on my mind.  Friday morning, I drove a very scared bride-to-be around in my car, trying to be a support to her while she tried to decide if she should call off her wedding or not.  The wedding which, by the way, was Saturday.  In my effort to help her, I shared my experiences with her.  I don’t know everything, and I’ll be honest enough to say that I do not know what makes a marriage work from my own experiences.  But I do know what will make one fail.  And I know that because of my own experiences.

Before I launch into my oinion on successful marriages and relationships here, I want to clarify things for the people I apparently offended.  When I said “If you choose to date a man in the military, you fall in love, you say yes and you follow through- you will be a military wife.  You will spend a lot of time without him up front and personal.  But you will have a pride only military wives can have.”  It apparently offended some people.  I got a comment that said “I am 18 years old and was married to a military man just 2 months ago, and 2 weeks later, he left for Iraq.  Are you implying that he will not be involved in the lives of our children? (I am carrying the first child now).”  No, I am not saying that he will not be involved.  I am saying that he will not be there for every single ‘first’ that your  child has.  He may talk to you daily, he may email, and you may use two-way webcams, but he cannot possibly be there, at home, for everything.  He has a duty to our country that he chose.  I am assuming that you knew he would be deployed when you chose to marry him.  And again, it is a consequence.  A natural one that is not meant to be taken in a negative manner.

To the person who commented “I enjoy reading your blog and I don’t want this posted publicly because my husband occasionally reads it too.  But I do want to know….what did you mean by “It hasn’t stopped” ?  I mean, every decision I make isn’t going to affect the outcome of my life, will it?”  Now, let me say that I removed a very specific part of that comment that would have identified the reader and I didn’t post it anyway because her name was attached.  In response to her comment though, I want to clarify….no, decision making doesn’t stop.  We make decisions every minute of our lives.  Simple decisions that can impact our lives for years to come.  Let’s take a really simple change and say that you are flipping channels and choose to watch a talk show that has a topic that you may not think applies to you.  Maybe you are watching it solely for the entertainment.  What is years down the road, you are at a point in your life where something said on that show comes back to you and you are able to use it?  I remember being 16 years old and having stayed home from school ’sick.’  I wasn’t really ill, but I was weak.  Weak from not eating.  I was dealing with an eating disorder that kind of hopped around. At first, I would binge- literally not eat for days and days and then eat until I got sick.  And when that didn’t work out since I got so weak that I couldn’t focus or function, I started eating but throwing up after eating anything.  Eventually, I was binging and purging, taking laxatives to get rid of whatever my body had retained and was taking diet pills on top of it.  I was sick from it- both physically and mentally.  I turned on the TV and watched what was on.  I didn’t want to stand at the TV and change the channels and remote controls were few and far between.  What was on at that time was the Montel Williams show.  That day the show was called “Dying to live.”  It was about young women who were literally skin and bones and dying from their choice to not eat.  They were at the point that they literally could not eat.  There was a woman who was in her early 30’s that spoke to the girls on the show from a hospital roomd where she had a mediport in her chest and a Peg Tube in her belly to force nutrition into her.  She was literally dying.  And she chose to do that to herself in her younger years.  She had done it for so long that she couldn’t reverse it.  That day, I made a choice to live.  Yes, it meant taking the risk of being the fat kid again.  Yes, it meant not ebing as thin as I would have liked.  But, it meant living.  I made that choice based off of a television show!  A simple choice of what to watch changed my life.

I am sorry that I offended people.  I will not post the comment that was left in response to the part that said “If you choose to date a man that lives in another state….you will more than likely spend more time missing him that you will with him.  You will always wonder if he is being faithful to you- and he will wonder the same.  Eventually, one of you will have to move to be with each other, and then….what if it doesn’t work out?” One comment left about this part was inappropriate as it straight up said that all men are cheaters, especially those that  live far away.  It had several profanities in it and  congratulated me on telling it like it is.  I did not say that all men are cheaters, nor did I say or even imply that it especially applied to people who live distances from one another.  It is my hope that others did not take it that way, and if you did, I am sorry.

The second comment about that part was directly in reference to the end portion where I said ” Eventually, one of you will have to move to be with each other, and then….what if it doesn’t work out?”  The comment was along the lines of “Not every relationship fails.  Just because you have had bad luck doesn’t mean we all will.”  Cute.  I didn’t say that they will fail.  I was talking about the insecurities that we have.  And by the way, I have had an experience that was complicated due to a long distance relationship.  I had a friend who lived out in the midwest, and had come here to see my family and I, bringing along one of his friends.  After that visit, we decided to become exclusive and to date.  After a few months, I decided to move out to Missouri to be with him.  He still lived at his parent’s house and they were generous enough to say that I could also live there until I had gotten on my feet.  A trip was planned for January, where my sister and I would drive down there and take some of my stuff.  See the area- since I had never been there, and look for a job.  2 days before I was leaving to go for that visit, my boyfriend called to tell me that he had cheated on me.  He hadn’t slept with her- as he was waiting for marriage, but he had been phsyically involved with her.  We thought it best to break up.  What was I supposed to do?  I had given notice at my job, had gotten rid of my vehicle and had packed all of my stuff.  This trip was just 3 weeks before I was moving out there….and I was at a loss.  Well, 2 days later, we woke up early, packed up and left for the midwest.  Yes, It was a little awkward….I won’t deny that.  But, I’m so glad I didn’t just wash my hands of the whole situation.  I spent the time I was there meeting his friends in person (most of who I had talked to several times on the phone), praying about what to do, hanging out with my sister and yes, crying.  But I chose to move.  It was a hard decision to make, but I went anyway.  And you know, it worked out.  No, he and I did not get back together- or ever even go on another date.  Yes, I stayed at his parents place until I got on my feet.  And yes, we are still great friends.  He married a friend of ours 2 1/2 years ago, and I stood up in the wedding.  They are expecting their first baby.  I lived in the midwest for a few years nad then came home to be with my family- and again- another decision that I do not- for one second-regret.

I wasn’t saying or implying that all long distance relationships end badly.  I wasn’t saying that moving to be with one another is setting yourself up for failure.  I was saying…..what if it does?  In reference to the fact that it is your choice to make that decision.  Truly, I meant only to propse the idea of “what if?”

I want to stress that each situation is very different from the next.  You know what is best for you.  No one else knows you like you.  You know where your relationship is, and to what level is goes.  I can’t tell you what to do, and it certainly is not my intent to sway your decisions.  Remember, this blog is formed on my opinions.

My point was “Your life is what you make it.”  Maybe I should have posted that and only that.

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