Mar 12 2009
Finding happiness
I’ve been reading a lot lately. Cramming in a few minutes as sleep is approaching, just a page or two on the porch or- on my days off- a whole book. I’ve been on a real “Jennifer Weiner” Kick. I had never read any of her books, or even heard of her until I got a bunch of books dumped in my lap. My mom’s boss had mentioned she had books to get rid of, and my mom told her that I loved to read. She packed up close to a thousand dollars in books and sent them my way. There were a few that I had read, but more that I hadn’t. So I started with just one book by Jennifer, and thus began my obsession.
Jennifer is a writer that uses real life experience as her inspiration. Not everything that happens in her books has happened to her or people she knows in real life, but most of the main events are inspired that way. And I love it.
The last book I finished was called “Good in Bed.” Now, if you have never read this book, I highly suggest you do. Jennifer chooses a main character named “Cannie” who is a plus size woman. Now I’ve read a lot of books where girl is over weight and un happy. To find her happiness, she must lose a lot of weight. Not in this book. Oh no. Cannie starts out a plus size woman and believes that the world fights against her because of her size. That she can never be ‘acceptable’ to society and mainly men because she is a larger than life woman. Through a series of events- losing her boyfriend, finding out she is pregnant by him and he doesn’t want anything to do with her or their baby, nearly losing her daughter through a very premature childbirth, and coming to terms with her father’s abandonment, she finds happiness. Cannie starts out as a plus size woman and at the end of the book, she still is. But she has found happiness anyway.
This has gotten me to thinking about my own life. I am a plus size woman. My ex husbands have told me this, certain family members have reitterated it and just last week a size two nurse at my doctor’s office confirmed it. I didn’t need her to tell me that I am fat, but she did. Using those exact words. Since then, I have been in overload. I have, yet again, changed what I eat and when I eat. I have gotten back on an exercise routine. I have bounced ideas off of my friends. And yes, I did the unthinkable- something I haven’t done in ten years and stood before the mirror naked. I have cried for hours, and I have tried to laugh it off.
But the truth is, I am going to do something about it. People, I am not a plus size woman because I am lazy. I do not eat constantly, I am not a junk food whore. I can’t tell you why I am the way I am. But, I am not going to sit around and do nothing about it. I know that the people who love me, love me for who I am. The size I am. Not for what I can be, or what I was. Just for me. And if there are people out there who don’t love me just the way I am…well then they don’t love me at all (because love is unconditional) and piss on them.
I’m not doing this for the ex husband who destroyed the few little pieces of self esteem I may have ever had. The one who has no business even talking about a woman’s body since he likes men. I’m not doing this for the size 2 nurse who has never had a battle with weight. Who thinks that a size 4 could stand to lose a little. I am not doing this for how others look at me. I am doing this for how I look at me. I am doing this for me.
I’m not saying that I am losing weight to find happiness. Oh no. I’m already happier to have made this decision for me. Not for them. Not for anyone but me. I have my own inspiration and my own goals. I don’t need theirs.
This is for me.
As a plus-sized woman myself (and one that weighed almost 70 pounds more a couple of years ago), I know what it’s like to hear people say I could use some weight loss also. But I’m glad to hear you’re not doing it for the nurse, or ex’s, or anyone else, but you’re doing it for you because you want to. I’ve been telling myself I need to do the same, but haven’t quite been so empowered yet. Good luck on your plan!