Beckies Spot

So, the series of reasons why women cheat is over.  It was interesting to write the series.  I did actual research- some intentional and some accidentally.  I’m not talking about the kind of research where you actually step out. Oh no.  Not me.  But, on my myspace account, I listed my status as “Contemplating why women cheat but not contemplating doing it herself.”  Well, I had some interesting responses to this.

I received an email from someone I don’t even know but is on my account for gaming purposes only.  It went like this:
“Hey girl, I saw your status message, and I read your blog at today.com because you posted the link here.  When I read your blog and saw the status message, I though to myself ‘that girl is either cheating or really close to cheating!’  And I just have to say that from everything I’ve read here, I thought you had a boyfriend that you cared about.”

That was it.  So, I responded with:
“I do.  And I’m not a cheater.  I’m writing for today.com, therefore thinking about my topic.”

She responded with:
“Everyone cheats at one time or another.  For a variety of reasons.  We all get caught in those situations.  In the heat of the moment.”

So I thought for all of two seconds before I wrote back:
“I don’t allow myself to be put in situations where I may possibly contemplate thinking about cheating.  I don’t believe in intentionally setting yourself up for failure.”

And she sent back one whole line:
“Well you are better than me.”

Interesting right?  I’d like to say a couple of things about her emails.  First off, not everyone will cheat in their life time.  A lot of people will…to some degree anyway, but not everyone.  I for one have cheated.  And, it was cheating in retaliation.  He cheated on me and denied it- though I had pictures.  I was more hurt that he lied to me about it than the fact that he had done it.  So, I set the scene, took someone up on an offer that had been made long before he ever cheated and then let him catch me.  It was to hurt him, and yes, I was aware that the relationship was far beyond over.  Oh yes, there were tears- even in the very very end- just before I moved out.  I guess I kind of felt that if I let him catch me cheating on him, then when it was over- it was because I had chosen for it to be.  The truth was- he had the upper ahnd the whole way.

The second thing I want to say about her email is that there is only one way to avoid cheating at all costs.  You cannot put yourself in a position where it is even an option.  Really.  Be careful who you spend your time with.  My Dad used to tell me that you become who you hang around with.  In my experience I have found this to also be true.  If you hang out with people who have no problem cheating on their significant other, be aware of the fact that you may also fall into this trap.

So, I’ve started writing about the top ten reasons women cheat (according to an article I read online).  I feel that 9 of them relate and come down to one thing (the tenth one) which is “the relationship isn’t that serious.”  I’m going through them one at a time, and I encourage you to read the last couple of posts.

Today, we are discussing another reason that the article alleges.  According to it, women cheat because:

Whatever you can do, she can do better (as in cheating in retaliation).

This implies that if a woman is cheating, it is retaliation for her man stepping out.  I’d like to quote the article as saying “If you have cheated on us and we take you back, you better be on your toes every minute of every day! Don’t think you are in the clear just because she forgave you, you better watch how she interacts with your brother, your cousins, your best friends, co- workers, and anyone with a penis.”  Interesting.  I have to say that I agree that women will cheat for this reason.  If you hurt us in a manner of cheating….we may say we forgive you….we may let you come back.  But, finding a girl who truly means it….that’s another story.  I know women who will go for the sack and get you where it really hurts.  By stepping out on us, you are making us believe that we are, in one way or another, insufficient.  Like if we had done something right you wouldn’t have had to step out.  Now, it doesn’t really matter if you say these things or not…..all you have to do is cheat, and we feel like you have just said these things to us.  We will get you back….and when you re least expecting it.

If a woman will cheat on her man in general, I truly think it all comes down to “it’s not that serious.”  But, if a woman is cheating because the man has cheated….it is over and has been since the word go.  It takes a lot to really forgive someone.  That means trusting them from the time of the forgiveness on.  It means really not questioning where they are going, what they are doing.  It also means not throwing it back in their face later.  That is the hardest of all.  And not likely to happen.

If you are cheating on him because he cheated on you when you cheated on him to get him back for cheating on you…..throw in the towel.  It’s just not that serious.

So, I’ve started writing about the top ten reasons women cheat (according to an article I read online).  I feel that 9 of them relate and come down to one thing (the tenth one) which is “the relationship isn’t that serious.”  I’m going through them one at a time, and I encourage you to read the last couple of posts.

Today, we are discussing another reason that the article alleges.  According to it, women cheat because:

She’s not first in your life.

Well isn’t that interesting.  A woman who wants to be first in your life?  Nah.  That’s never happened before, right?  Maybe, just maybe…..that’s why she stepped out.  I realize that the concept of a woman stepping out because you don’t put her first is a hard one to grasp, but men….I have to tell you that this is true.  Really think about it, and make a list of all the components in your life.  Put them in a list, with the most important component in the spot next to number one.  Be honest, no one is seeing this list except for you.  If you put your woman in the number one spot, do an honesty check and really consider if it’s true.  If there is someone that you are going to spend the rest of your life with, they should be at the top of your list (following God of course).  This does not mean that if your buddies call and want to go out that you tell them no because she is home and will get mad.  Well, you should do that if the two of you already had plans.  But, you should consider how it makes her feel.  I love when guys use the argument “But I live with you.”  And?  Give me a good argument here.  Every rock solid relationship I know has both people working, it’s almost essential these days.  Do you work exactly the same days and hours?  I didn’t think so.  Just because you have the same address does not mean that you spend quality time together.  Consider that next time.

Who gets the first bite of dessert? Or the last?  This is like the age old story of the last piece of cake.  There are two people and once piece of cake…who gets it?  Well, you share it of course.  But give your significant other the first bite.  Even if you have been thinking about it all day……give it to them.  And when you get to the last bite, give that one to them too.  It will show them that you put them first.  It’s a silly little gesture….but try it.

Now, for the ladies reading this….I want to point out that you should not expect that every minute of every day is going to be spent with you.  Is it enough for you to simply be in the same room with them, or do you have to be sitting on their lap?  Think before you ask….because otherwise, you will run the risk of smothering him, and then I’d have to write the top 10 reasons why men cheat.

In all seriousness though,if you are not focused on one another and putting each other first, do you really have intentions of ’til death do we part?’  If you put each other first and always want whats best for the other one, what will make them happy, then it will show that you are serious….if not, then I think you know where I am going with this.

Someone once told me that if I am always focused on making him happy and he is always focused on making me happy then we will always both be happy.  What a concept.

Now that Christmas is behind us by almost 24 hours, I’m going back to writing about why women cheat  (according to an article I read online).

I feel that 9 of them relate and come down to one thing (the tenth one) which is “the relationship isn’t that serious.”  I’m going through them one at a time, and I encourage you to read the last couple of posts.

Today, we are discussing another reason that the article alleges.  According to it, women cheat because:

The relationship has gone physical in a bad way (as in abusive).

I have touched on this subject before and feel that I said most of what I needed to then.  But, to tie this all in together, let me say this:  Any kind of physical contact that is not safe, sane and consensual is wrong.  When a person physically hurts another person it is abuse.  If it is ongoing abuse…meaning it happens often, then perhaps the woman in the relationship is going to “stick it out.”  But like the article says “You can beat us to the ground and we will pick ourselves up because even though we love you and you hurt us in anyway, there is always another guy waiting to save that damsel in distress.”  We will find someone who will treat us like the princesses we are.  Perhaps the woman being knocked around will come back after straying….perhaps.  This is most likely because the abuse started with mental control, moved on to emotional and verbal abuse and then finally landed on the physical abuse turnpike.  Long before the man ever struck her phsyically, she was most likely brow-beaten into thinking she deserved whatever she got.

I have to say that if a woman strays because the relationship has gotten physical in a bad way, it is because the relationship isn’t that serious.  If it was, the man would truly care for her and would not ever hit her.  I know this much- hind sight is truly 20-20.  Looking back, when I was smacked around, it was because he didn’t care.  He wanted to hurt me for whatever reason.  If he had been serious about me, us, our relationship…..he never would have done it.

So, I’ve started writing about the top ten reasons women cheat (according to an article I read online).  I feel that 9 of them relate and come down to one thing (the tenth one) which is “the relationship isn’t that serious.”  I’m going through them one at a time, and I encourage you to read the last couple of posts.

Today, we are discussing another reason that the article alleges.  According to it, women cheat because:

Thing are not as romantic as they once were.

I can’t speak for all women, but I know a lot of women who are true romantics.  We love to romance and be romanced.  I don’t want to confuse romance and sex here….read the last post if you are having trouble with getting what you want in the bedroom.  Romance….as in an every day sort of romance.  Yes, sexual acts and thing of that nature can be very romantic.  But for the couple that has been together long enough that there are no longer rose petals on the bedspread and candle light each night of the week…..perhaps it’s time to start thinking about the little things that are romantic.  Now, I went to dictionary.com and looked up the word romance….in which there was an overwhelming amount of definitions depending on what context you were looking for.  The one in which I was looking for was  “a spirit of sentiment, emotion or desire.”  That about sums it up for me.

Now, if you are looking to rekindle the kind of romance with the rose petals, candles and misc items from your fridge, then I suggest you remind him of what a great time that was.  “Baby, remember when we used to get all dressed up just to undress each other?  Oh, the candles, the chocolates….the roses….Oh I loved that so much.”  He’ll get it.  But….if you are in the mind frame of thinking that there just isn’t any romance in your life…..you could be wrong.  I find it romantic and wonderful when Brent does the little things for me.  I live in WNY and it’s winter….we get a ton of snow.  When I get up in the morning and my car is already cleared off…..that is romantic.  Why?  Because he thought of me and knew it would start my day off just a little bit better.  when he comes home from work with a couple of hershey kisses and leaves them for me, that is romantic.  When I am doing the dishes or folding the laundry, and he walks up behind me and kisses my shoulders, that is romantic.  I don’t want him to spend a lot of money on me- a few moments of his time…dedicated just to me….that is more romantic than getting a big fat rhinestone ring.  But that’s just me.

I want to stress here that if there are no little givings (like him doing something that let’s you know he was thinking of you, or you doing the same for him), and there isn’t any passion…..then perhaps it’s because at least one of you has given up….you aren’t fighting for it- it may be because your relationship just isn’t that serious.

So, I’ve started writing about the top ten reasons women cheat (according to an article I read online).  I feel that 9 of them relate and come down to one thing (the tenth one) which is “the relationship isn’t that serious.”  I’m going through them one at a time, and I encourage you to read the last couple of posts.

Today, we are discussing another reason that the article alleges.  According to it, women cheat because:

It’s about sex (lack of satisfaction).

Well now….this one I know to be true.  As a general statement, if people are not sexually satisifed, they will go elsewhere more often than not.  It can be because they either A) want to be sure “they still got it” or B) simply because they feel like they have a right to be satisfied.  I could beat a dead horse and talk about the fact that if there is no sexual satisfaction in a relationship, then there needs to be communication.  It’s not hard- in the throws of passion- to say something to your guy like “It drives me wild when you <insert whatever you want him to do here>.”  Really, in fact, more guys like dirty talk in bed than not.  If you aren’t comfortable saying something out loud- put his hands where you want them.  I’ll stop with the bit about communication though.

Women are insecure, and we feel like we have something to prove.  If we can’t get our guy’s attention and affection, we think there is something wrong with us.  Maybe we packed on a few pounds- and while he has said nothing about it to us, it’s eating us up inside.  Perhaps we think that’s the reason….so women will go out and find someone who does want them.  If we can get our guy into the bedroom, but we’re always singing “I cant get no satisfaction” while he’s always the one singing another tune….we begin to think of ourselves as a sperm bank by nature.  Someone who gives and gives and gives…but never gets.  So we’ll go somewhere that we can get some satisfaction.

Someone women will even do it just for the thrill.  The thrill of a new ‘relationship.’  Even if it only goes as far as sex- no emotions involved….it’s a relationship of some sort.  But I’ll tell you- if a woman strays because she’s not getting what she wants at home in the bedroom- she will have emotional attachment to the guy who gives it to her.  Even the best laid plans cannot prevent this.  I know this for a fact.

When it all comes down to it though, if you are willing to cheat on your man because of sexual issues- the relationship isn’t really that serious.  If it was, you wouldn’t step out….I know, I know….the truth hurts.  But if your relationship was that serious, it would be harder to actually cheat on your partner than to tell him.  I know that as much as it would hurt him, I would be able to look Brent in the face and tell him if I cheated on him. Without thinking twice about it.  The hard part would be actually cheating on him.  Sure, telling him may cost me our relationship- but not telling him I cheated on him and him finding out some other way is, without a doubt, going to cost me the relationship.  I know that for me, if I could actually cheat on him, then it’s already over.

Because our relationship just isn’t that serious.

So, I’ve started writing about the top ten reasons women cheat (according to an article I read online).  I feel that 9 of them relate and come down to one thing (the tenth one) which is “the relationship isn’t that serious.”  I’m going through them one at a time, and I encourage you to read the last couple of posts.

Today, we are discussing another reason that the article alleges.  According to it, women cheat because:

They won’t leave something for nothing.

Now personally, I don’t think that is a reason for leaving.  More of a statement really.  Think about that for a seocnd….they won’t leave something for nothing.  Basically, this implies that if you are leaving someone, you are leaving nothing for something.  Well, this is going to be short and sweet…because if you are leaving a relationship, then you are obviously doing it for a reason.  Perhaps you envision the grass as being greener on the other side?  Perhaps it truly is.  But, regardless, if you are willing to leave your relationship- it’s because there is a void of some kind- implying that your relationship just isn’t that serious.

Sorry.

So, I’ve started writing about the top ten reasons women cheat (according to an article I read online).  I feel that 9 of them relate and come down to one thing (the tenth one) which is “the relationship isn’t that serious.”  I’m going through them one at a time, and I encourage you to read the last couple of posts.

Today, we are discussing another reason that the article alleges.  According to it, women cheat because:

There is too much baggage.

Now according to the article that inspired this series of posts, the baggage is on the men’s end, and the woman isn’t prepared to deal with it.  Well why not?  Unless we are talking about some sort of baggage issue that makes the man be wishy-washy (back and forth about his current relationship), then it shouldn’t be an issue.  I know a lot of women with a lot of baggage.  We expect that our men are going to be able to deal with it.  Because I don’t want to hurt any of my girls’ feelings, I’ll use my situation as an example.  Prior to Brent and I beginning our romantic relationship, I had been married and divorced.  Twice.  One marriage was one was physical violence and emotional manipulation.  The other marriage was one of verbal abuse.  When Brent and I first got into the physical part of our relationship, I could not be naked with any lights in the room.  Did it have anything to do with him?  No.  Did he suffer the consequences of another man’s actions?  Yes.  Was it fair?  No.  Did he run?  No.  He was determined to stick it out- tell me that he was serious about me and our relationship.  Nearly three years later, add a few other issues and some physical scars from surgeries that I feel are ugly…..and I still have a hard time.  I’m not a fan of lights….but he is not them (meaning either of my husbands), and I make a sacrifice for him.  He makes one for me…..in the fact that he loves to look (don’t most men?), and with his loving to look, he doens’t always get what he wants.  It’s called compromising and understanding.

If you are unable to get past baggage, from either end, then perhaps it’s is because you just aren’t that serious.  About him, about your relationship, about yourself.

So, I’ve started writing about the top ten reasons women cheat (according to an article I read online).  I feel that 9 of them relate and come down to one thing (the tenth one) which is “the relationship isn’t that serious.”  I’m going through them one at a time, and I encourage you to read the last couple of posts.

Today, we are discussing another reason that the article alleges.  According to it, women cheat because:

You aren’t getting what you want…..

Perhaps I should have just included this in with the last one (you are bored).  Getting what you want….wouldn’t we all love it if we could always have whatever we wanted?  First of all, life does not work that way.  You have to work for what you want.  You really do.  Hard work pays off.  I tell my patients at work that motivation and determination go a very long way.  And it does.  You have to really want something to get it.  Part of getting what you want is communicating.  First, ask yourself what it is you want.  Now please let me take a moment to note that if you want to be treated as a decent person, you want to love and be loved, you want to know you are important, you want to be acknowledged and you want to feel special……that is not too much to ask.  These things come with any relationship- romantic or otherwise.  If these things are not a “given” then I would say right then and there that your relationship is not that serious, and in fact, so not worth it that I feel it would be acceptable to walk away now.  You are a person….not a door mat or a sperm bank to be used at the customer’s convenience.  But, if there are other things you want, you have to learn too communicate what you want.  Now, if there is a communication problem, you have to fix it.  Find a way to get the message across.  If you cannot find a way to communicate, perhaps your relationship just isn’t that serious.  If it were, you could talk about anything and everything.  This, I know.  I truly do.  Communicate what you want, or seriously consider that your relationship just isn’t that serious.

But, I also have to point out that if you are able to communicate what you want and they just don’t understand….or they chose not to give it to you, perhaps it is because they are just not that serious, making your relationship….just not that serious.

Sorry.

Alright folks, we’re back.

In the prior post, I briefly wrote on the top 10 alleged reasons that women cheat.  I stated that, according to the article, the first reason was that the relationship isn’t that serious.  In reading the list of reasons why, I started thinking….these all relate to the first one.  So, tonight, I am beginning to go through that list.  We’ll start with the next on the list….”They are bored in their relationship.”

I will be the first to admit that every now and again, there is a need to spice up a relationship.  A need to do something out of the norm.  To feel special, wonderful, revived.  But if you are truly bored in a relationship, there is a problem.  My personal opinion is that if you are bored in a relationship, it is due to the fact that there is lacking in communication.  You are not a mind reader and you do not know what he wants/needs every second of every day, do you?  If you do, stop reading here.My point there was that if you don’t know everything he needs/wants all the time, then howis he supposed to know the same about you?  I mean, really.  If you are lacking to the point of being bored, then it is most likely because you are lacking in communication.  You do not have to stand at the foot of your bed and hold a sign that says “Would like to get laid” in order to communicate the fact that you feel unattended.  Try initiating….if it doesn’t work, try again.  If you are still not getting anywhere, maybe it’s time to ask.  It is possible that he is tired, that he is distracted- you have to really dig sometimes.  This doesn’t just apply to the bedroom.  Maybe you and your guy don’t get to go out together very often.  You have to find a way to let him know you are interested.  Try saying something like “You know, we haven’t been out in awhile.  Let’s do something.” (Note: Have an idea of what you’d like to go and do- if you don’t, he won’t really think you want to do something.  But, while you have an idea, be willing to be flexible on this.)  Without communicating, you won’t know what the problem is.  Maybe it’s a money factor.  Times are tight for everyone,we all understand.  So do something really inexpensive.  Go get coffees to go and go for a ride.  Take the dog for a walk.  Whatever…..as long as you are doing something.

I really do believe that when all is said and done, if you are bored in your relationship, it’s because you are not that serious.  Quit rolling your eyes…..think about it.  If you are bored to the point that you cannot communicate this (or you do and it doesn’t work), then the relationship is not that serious.  If it were mutually serious, you would both have a desire to spend time together, spice things up every now and again, be together.  And be totally committed.

Your relationship just isn’t that serious.  Sorry.